I am so confused. I really am. The fact that I am no longer studying philosophy and that I am currently working a lot of jobs, allowing me less time to actually think all of these life-altering questions through, frustrates me and makes me feel even more confused. Even when I was studying philosophy I was confused. In fact, it confused me more than anything else, but at least the confusion was slightly more informed. They should rename philosophy degrees, ‘A-study-in-highly-informed-confusion-and -hair-pulling theories-also-after-you-read-Heidegger-the-word-Being-will-forever-leave-you-traumatized. ‘ Or we can do what the German philosophers did and just condense one long-ass concept into a strange one-word but not one-word linguistic torture device ie: Debt-building-bullshit-eist. That should satisfy some of the skeptics.
Back to my point: I know that whatever ideas I come up with now pale in comparison to the ideas I came up with whilst studying the greats and literally having days on end to ponder these deeper questions.
So yes, I am lost. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about half the time. I worry that I get sucked into new age bullshit because let’s be honest, I have. On the other hand, I worry that I get too close-minded and simply jump to the perhaps too-obvious conclusion of atheism and the more I think about it, the more lost I get, but I can’t seem to stop.
However, I need to remember that this is okay. I don’t know why we are so afraid to be lost. It’s okay to not have the answers. In fact, you should be more worried if you think you have all the answers. It’s boring. It’s boring to speak to people who think they have all the answers. Whether they’re atheists, spiritual or religiously inclined. Whether the topic is surrounding politics, music or if 9/11 was a US conspiracy. Is there even a conversation to be had with these kinds of stuck-in-the-mud people?
Have your opinions by all means and I’m not denying the existence of theories that are so well proven that they are thereby facts as we know them now. However, once I can see a person is taking their stance too seriously, I sort of assume they have not realised how complex this whole thing is. This leads me to assume, although my assumption could be wrong, that their intellectual arrogance stems from the fact that they have not had their outlooks or belief systems crushed enough to realise their that their insignificant minds cannot surely have all the answers or that they have the inability to change their minds based on new evidence or a more logically coherent argument. I’m not saying I haven’t been this person, but I try my best not to be.
If you really think that you have all the answers in any area of life, I implore you to look throughout history and ask yourself if even the well-known geniuses from generations past had all the answers. No, they didn’t, and if you think they did, well then you may just have a dogma or ideology on your hand. Good luck waving around that dangerous weapon.
This life has proven to be a wonderful maze; changing my viewpoint every five minutes has become the norm. It’s exhausting and exhilarating. For some reason, I enjoy confusing myself into oblivion. The magnitude of how little I know is at the very least what inspires me to keep moving-whether or not it’s all atoms (forgive my scientific ignorance-I’m a philosophy graduate), whether or not its all made out of love or whether or not God exists or doesn’t exist. Curiosity has become my religion. Exploration, internal and external, has become what I live for and beyond that, trying to leave the world a little less fucked up when I’m gone has become my purpose, although this is a lot harder than it seems.
I don’t know if it matters. I don’t know why I can’t let it go. Maybe that’s a new avenue for internal exploration.
What I do know is that it’s fascinating. I wake up everyday thinking, ‘What is going on???? Seriously what is happening??’ The absurdity of it all astounds me to the point of miraculousness. A miraculousness that doesn’t need spiritual doctrines. An astonishment that can lift me out of any sort of existential depression, because let me tell you, those are not fun.
We are the lost ones. Our tenacious curiosity is simultaneously our torture and our greatest pleasure. Why pretend to know it all? It’s obvious that you don’t and that’s okay. There’s really nothing to be afraid of (well except maybe constant existential grappling). However, if you do for whatsoever reason think you have all the answers, then to be blatantly honest, you may be the most lost of us all.