A classic tale of spiritual bypassing, and a very long one at that. I’ve always been a very spiritual person. From a very young age I was interested in spiritual concepts. I was also an idealist, and quite naive at that, which has led me to make some very poor choices based on nothing but spiritual jargon that had no place in this “real” world.
Now, honestly, I am not not sure what the hell is going on with me. All I know is that my life has significantly improved since I’ve gone on psychiatric medication. I make more rational choices, my relationships have improved, my concentration has improved, I’m more emotionally stable and my money management has vastly taken a turn for the positive.
On the other end of the spectrum, my creativity has lowered significantly, I don’t get as many ideas as I used to, my thinking has become less out-of-the-box and more like a straight and narrow tunnel and lastly, I feel a bit more disconnected to the world around me and to the spiritual aspect of myself.
Honestly, this really scares me. I don’t know if this medication is a good idea. It’s cut off a lot of defining aspects of who I thought I was and how I defined myself. By that same token, I feel as though it has made me a much stable person and much more reliable.
That being said, I am confused. Is there something wrong with me or does the western world not make space for people who are simply more sensitive to these other worlds? This in and of itself is a question I don’t want to get into right now as it is not something that, I feel, can’t be tackled in one article.
However, I am realizing that all this spiritual searching has, rather than been pushing me towards higher realms of spiritual awareness, has been trying to pull me back to earth, back to my humanness and that a lot of my spiritual searching was an unconscious way in which I’ve been trying to avoid facing hard truths about life.
Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this realization. Two very difficult Ayahuasca ceremonies and a visit to an energy healer both warned me that my head was way too high in the clouds and I needed some very firm grounding – that my exploration into the spiritual world was no good if it made no difference on the earth.
I guess its easier to admit this to myself when my sensitivity has become cut off because life is a bit easier when you’re on pills.
To be honest, looking back at a lot of the spiritual experiences I’ve had I’m scared that there is something wrong with me. I’m scared to come of these pills. In a sense, I am no longer using spirituality to run away from life but rather using the pills to numb myself in an effort to deal with it in a way that is much easier compared to when I am off the pills.
I honestly am not sure how a person as naturally hypersensitive as me is supposed to face the world without these band aids but at by same token I feel that the loss of this sensitivity is the loss of some other type of strength that is not valued in the western world.
I do think that eventually I will come off these pills. Right now I need them to build a foundation for my life but when I do come off them, a whole lot of grounding is going to be needed and a whole of strength that I apparently didn’t know I had will be required.
I can’t live my life in numbness for too much longer but neither can I live it with my head in the clouds. However, I will not completely throw away my sensitivity and creativity so that I can survive this rat race. There is much more to life than that and although I am numb, I can still feel a deep calling and one day, when the time is right, I will awaken to this sensitivity but with my feet firmly planted on the ground, and although it may be painful to walk through this world with my senses heightened, I will do so with the strength that I know I have so that I can truly bring my gifts to the world.
This place has always seemed strange to me. I don’t understand the hardness of humans. It’s almost alien, but I will not let this numb me and neither will I hide away anymore with spirituality as my safe space.
I know I am here for a reason, and maybe its to soften the hearts of a very hardened society. Maybe I am just crazy. Who knows? But as long as I am looking after myself and helping other people, then does it really matter?