We all have a bit of Narcissus in us. However, many do not realize that sometimes this stems from a little thing called the ‘narcissistic wound’ and in my experience, we have all been wounded a little bit.
A narcissistic wound is when someone experiences something as a child that is so deeply hurtful that they can not develop through that pain; they never see themselves as good enough and so a narcissist is born; a false self that plasters this pain that the individual can’t see through.
Now I’ve had my fair share of narcissists in my life and although I have been aware of some toxic behaviors myself, I pushed the idea that I could have some kind of inherent narcissism far away from me, until, well psychotherapy.
Yes, that wonderful word that may send many in the alternative healing community running for the hills. The truth is that many of us entered into the magical world of plant medicines, reiki and sound healing because we may have not been able to find what we were looking for in run-of-the-mill psychotherapy. Luckily for me, I was able to find a therapist that didn’t run at the mention of ‘Ayahuasca’ and so my alternative feet could stay firmly planted in that room where I would find that the combination of plant medicines and psychotherapy would lead me smack-bang into something this empath never thought she had: a deep and festering narcissistic wound.
My whole life I’ve always been a bit of a people-pleaser, an empath and an over-compensator (Although my boundaries become firmer every year) so the idea that I could have some truly narcissistic element to my personality really struck me but looking back at my life it makes sense.
You see the thing is, I was adopted. Let me say that again, I. was. adopted. A topic I’ve been leaning away from in my writings, partially because it’s incredibly vulnerable and also to protect the feelings of the ones in my life; my adoptive and biological family; all amazing and beautiful human beings that I honor and if you are reading this, please don’t take anything personally. The situation is what it is and I need to be able to speak my truth because the truth is that it hurt, it really fucking hurt and my whole life I’ve been viewing everything through the lens of an abandoned inner child.
This is why I got depressed when I was sixteen and the thoughts of suicide ran rampant in my head, this is why I entered into an abusive relationship and simultaneously pushed all of my loved ones away and this is why I am here today, learning how to love everyone unconditionally, having gone through this intensive spiritual path and feeling an immense sense of gratitude for the darkness that this core wound or narcissistic wound presented in my life.
The truth is, that I was toxic and sometimes I still am. I couldn’t see past my pain. Whenever someone tried to hold me accountable for my actions, my inner child just felt abandoned and would lash out, push people away or try to gain power and love through constant romantic relationships.
I remember one day as I was sitting in my room my inner child came through incredibly strong. She was really hurt and all she wanted was to be heard.
For the first time in a long time, I validated that pain; something I had been trying to gain through other individuals on an unconscious level- and the tears that came through were some of the most healing I have ever experienced.
Since then it has been easier for me to take more responsibility for my actions, to see the world as it is rather through a dark lens of abandonment and to allow my inner child some time to play, as I allow the adult take a hold of the steering wheel.